Lost Arts- Being Gracious

Being Gracious

The Oxford dictionary defines being gracious as kind, indulgent,
courteous and beneficent to inferiors -the irony of that statement
will not be lost on most.

 

It seems to be en vogue these days to treat others as though they were
inferior whether it is at work, in the grocery store or driving home.
If ever you needed to see where people aren’t gracious just watch cars
trying to merge into traffic during rush hour in any of our major
cities. Being gracious used to be a no brainer, if someone was in
need you helped out. Today however pitching or tuning in requires
putting yourself aside and picking up a lost art.

Being gracious is really about being present with someone, regardless
of who they are or what they are saying. This seems hard to do when
you have a telemarketer on the end of the phone after a long day at
the office. However in most cases that person is trying to pay their
rent or pay their college tuition. They did not choose the job because
of all the perks that come with minimum wage jobs, they are doing
because it is all they have. So being gracious requires you to spend 3
minutes to let them have their say. Then you can politely decline them
without having made them feel inferior.

Being gracious doesn’t mean you have to listen to everything. Think
about the office gossip. You aren’t being gracious when you indulge
them. But the next time a child tries to tell you something that is
REALLY important, and no one could possibly hope to follow the logic-
smile and listen. Be gracious, allow them that moment. You will have
lots of moments for yourself, every once in a while let other people
have theirs.

Feelings are not facts

I hate downhill skiing mainly because I feel absolutely terrified when I get on a chair lift. Last year I tried again. My skis feel like anchors pulling me down toward the earth. I clung to the safety bar, would not let anyone touch me or talk to me and the tears started to flowing. Being an incredibly logical person, I was telling myself that I am safe, people do this all the time, accidents are incredibly rare…Yet my feelings were totally in charge and they bore no relation to the facts at hand.

It is easy to see that in an example about a phobia of heights how our feelings do not represent the facts. It is harder to see that same concept in our everyday life, but the same thing happens almost daily.

Imagine you are in a meeting with 10 other people. While you are presenting a colleague interrupts you, makes his point, one that calls into dispute what you are saying and then tells the room he has to dash out, but he’ll be right back. You are going to immediately have some feelings about what just happened. You feelings may be hurt, embarrassment, disbelief, anger. These feelings can take over from your logical mind, which will try to tell you, your colleague has always been helpful and supportive, is not normally rude, and is just getting over the flu.

This principle works whether it is a big thing like being embarrassed or a little thing like wanting someone to do something. How many times have parents become angry/ frustrated because their child does not want to eat the dinner presented? The fact is the child does not want to eat, but the emotional reaction of the parent bears no relation to the facts. If a co-worker didn’t want to eat her lunch you would not make a big deal about it, it would not anger you. Yet the child does. This is not to say that we should not encourage children to try new things (thus creating new facts for them). However we should check our thermometer to see if the facts and feelings are matching up.

This requires self discipline and a willingness to examine why you are feeling the way you are. Is it your co-worker, is it the child, is it you. What is really going on?

After my disastrous first attempt on the chair lift, my sons who were eight and ten at the time, gave me lots of hugs and kisses at the top of the hill. They told me how proud they were of me as I stood shaking at the top. At the bottom they expected me to go in and be done with skiing yet again. Instead I kept trying. Each time I was a little less panic stricken. I never did enjoy it, but I kept at it. Robin Sharma says “The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master.” For me I was not going up the chairlift to prove anything but to regain control of my mind from my emotions.

 

Think about in your your life where you need to do the same.

Sara Rylott
Ready2fly

Start Today- Five Actions for Greater Happiness

1. Be grateful- Stop what you are doing and think of all the things you are grateful for. Being grateful is simply to be appreciative of what you have. Too often we spend our time wanting things in the future, a better job, a newer car, a life partner etc. wanting things does not make us happy. In fact desire and wanting usually lead to a flood of negative emotions. Being present brings us back to happiness and focusing on what we have right now. Start by writing a list of all the things that you have. Here are some categories to consider: career, personal growth, finance, house/home, health, well being, close family, wider family, leisure, community, partner and spirituality. You may notice that as you right you begin to smile and feel happy about all that you already have.

2. Smile- smiling is an incredibly powerful tool in increasing your sense of happiness. Even better smiling is a two-way street, if you smile at someone they are likely to smile back and the mood in the room/bus/mall goes up just a fraction. Ron Gutman does it best in his TED Talk on smiling which you  watch here.

3. Reflect- Spend five minutes everyday reflecting on what went well. You found a parking spot, the meeting ended on time, your spouse had dinner ready, and bedtime went smoothly. Instead of discussing all the disappointments of the day re-frame to look for the good- and when you do you’ll find there was lots of little things that made you smile.

4. Eliminate perfection- It is really hard to be happy with anything or anyone when you are striving for perfection. Perfection does not exist except in your mind. There is no perfect piece of art, no perfectly executed plan, no “perfect” game (although baseball likes to think so). So long as our mindset is at 100% or for some people 110% we will never be happy with ourselves, we can always do/be better. Ease up a little, try to see yourself as dogs do- perfect already, no need to do/be anything more.

5. Take a risk- just a little one. The more you take small chances and succeed the more confident and happier you will become.

 

Taking the Plunge

There are a number of things I am deeply afraid of- heights, chair lifts, spiders and jumping into a pool. Even though I am afraid, I do fly and occasionally get on a chair lift or gondola but jumping into a pool is something I almost never do. This is ironic since our home has an inground pool!

I know for sure it is a mind over matter issue, which is why I love watching my kids and the neighbourhood kids go barrelling into the pool. They approach life without hang-ups with a learning mindset- all opportunities are to be seized, not analyzed.

Sometimes a thinking approach is called for. There are times when careful analysis, consideration and even caution are necessary. However, just as often there are opportunities where we should just take the plunge. Depending on your personality you will have a preference for one style of decision making over the other.

This year commit to trying to use both styles. It may be uncomfortable at first but as my kids always assure me the water is warm!

Sara Rylott
www.ready2fly.ca

What do you dream of?

A fool dreams of wealth, a wise man, of happiness. Kurdish proverb

There is a big difference between dreaming and wanting. A dream is something that seems inaccessible to us. We usually want things that are quite accessible to us or just slightly outside of our reach, but still within grasp.

 If we were to re-work this proverb it might say “A fool dreams of wealth, a wise man wants happiness.” Unfortunately many North Americans equate happiness with wealth even when they are clearly separate concepts. Like dreaming, wealth is something that is always just out of reach. Listen to someone who has money talk. It is often about acquiring more, diversifying portfolios, growing the business… These are all future things.

The person who focuses on happiness lives in the present. You don’t hear happy people saying tomorrow I am going to be even happier than I am today. They don’t try and hoard happiness in fact they are almost always giving it away. And yet these people experience the richness of life and a peaceful sleep that often alludes the wealthy.

That is not to say that you can’t have both, you can. But you should cultivate an awareness on what and where you are focused. Is it on future happiness through wealth or present happiness with wealth?

 

Sara Rylott

www.ready2fly.ca