Feelings are not facts

I hate downhill skiing mainly because I feel absolutely terrified when I get on a chair lift. Last year I tried again. My skis feel like anchors pulling me down toward the earth. I clung to the safety bar, would not let anyone touch me or talk to me and the tears started to flowing. Being an incredibly logical person, I was telling myself that I am safe, people do this all the time, accidents are incredibly rare…Yet my feelings were totally in charge and they bore no relation to the facts at hand.

It is easy to see that in an example about a phobia of heights how our feelings do not represent the facts. It is harder to see that same concept in our everyday life, but the same thing happens almost daily.

Imagine you are in a meeting with 10 other people. While you are presenting a colleague interrupts you, makes his point, one that calls into dispute what you are saying and then tells the room he has to dash out, but he’ll be right back. You are going to immediately have some feelings about what just happened. You feelings may be hurt, embarrassment, disbelief, anger. These feelings can take over from your logical mind, which will try to tell you, your colleague has always been helpful and supportive, is not normally rude, and is just getting over the flu.

This principle works whether it is a big thing like being embarrassed or a little thing like wanting someone to do something. How many times have parents become angry/ frustrated because their child does not want to eat the dinner presented? The fact is the child does not want to eat, but the emotional reaction of the parent bears no relation to the facts. If a co-worker didn’t want to eat her lunch you would not make a big deal about it, it would not anger you. Yet the child does. This is not to say that we should not encourage children to try new things (thus creating new facts for them). However we should check our thermometer to see if the facts and feelings are matching up.

This requires self discipline and a willingness to examine why you are feeling the way you are. Is it your co-worker, is it the child, is it you. What is really going on?

After my disastrous first attempt on the chair lift, my sons who were eight and ten at the time, gave me lots of hugs and kisses at the top of the hill. They told me how proud they were of me as I stood shaking at the top. At the bottom they expected me to go in and be done with skiing yet again. Instead I kept trying. Each time I was a little less panic stricken. I never did enjoy it, but I kept at it. Robin Sharma says “The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master.” For me I was not going up the chairlift to prove anything but to regain control of my mind from my emotions.

 

Think about in your your life where you need to do the same.

Sara Rylott
Ready2fly

Start Today- Five Actions for Greater Happiness

1. Be grateful- Stop what you are doing and think of all the things you are grateful for. Being grateful is simply to be appreciative of what you have. Too often we spend our time wanting things in the future, a better job, a newer car, a life partner etc. wanting things does not make us happy. In fact desire and wanting usually lead to a flood of negative emotions. Being present brings us back to happiness and focusing on what we have right now. Start by writing a list of all the things that you have. Here are some categories to consider: career, personal growth, finance, house/home, health, well being, close family, wider family, leisure, community, partner and spirituality. You may notice that as you right you begin to smile and feel happy about all that you already have.

2. Smile- smiling is an incredibly powerful tool in increasing your sense of happiness. Even better smiling is a two-way street, if you smile at someone they are likely to smile back and the mood in the room/bus/mall goes up just a fraction. Ron Gutman does it best in his TED Talk on smiling which you  watch here.

3. Reflect- Spend five minutes everyday reflecting on what went well. You found a parking spot, the meeting ended on time, your spouse had dinner ready, and bedtime went smoothly. Instead of discussing all the disappointments of the day re-frame to look for the good- and when you do you’ll find there was lots of little things that made you smile.

4. Eliminate perfection- It is really hard to be happy with anything or anyone when you are striving for perfection. Perfection does not exist except in your mind. There is no perfect piece of art, no perfectly executed plan, no “perfect” game (although baseball likes to think so). So long as our mindset is at 100% or for some people 110% we will never be happy with ourselves, we can always do/be better. Ease up a little, try to see yourself as dogs do- perfect already, no need to do/be anything more.

5. Take a risk- just a little one. The more you take small chances and succeed the more confident and happier you will become.

 

Life Lessons- Learning

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” Gandhi

Everyday is a process of learning, just ask a parent of an infant- both  of them are constantly learning! Yet we often ignore the life lessons in our quest for making a living. What we have learned along the way would help us tremendously but too often we compartmentalize our lives, telling ourselves that real learning happens in the classroom or that we can't learn from an experience. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Most of us just don't have a system or a structure to apply the lessons to.

A new organizational trend is to have a "Lessons Learned" section or cell within a company to track what went well and should be repeated; and what went poorly and should be avoided. Some people already have a system like this, usually called parents, siblings or in-laws who remind you of how things went horribly wrong or encourage you to remember your successes. However trusting external people to count your successes and failings is not particularly reliable.

You should be keeping track of the lessons you have learned in your life. Some may be humorous "If it smells bad it probably is not good to eat." but others may be lessons that come out of pain, rejection or misunderstandings. In many cases it is the lessons that come from loss that we learn too well and usually incorporate that change our behaviour.

One of the best ways to learn the lesson is to keep a learning journal where you make notes about items that you have learned or wish to learn. Write it rather than keeping it in an electronic form. There is something very soothing about seeing your own wise counsel in your own hand.  I have a hot pink leather journal that only contains things that I have learned. It is one of my favourite books to flip through as I see the learning journeys but also quotes from books and speeches that I found inspirational.

The next time you have a job interview you don't get, read a fabulous article, connect with a character in a novel or have a run in with a co-worker write down what you learned from the experience. Life is all about learning; sadly many of us miss the lessons.

No one lacks life lessons; wisdom comes from having the courage to learn from them.

 

Sara Rylott

Ready2Fly